Category Archives: Dear Abbie

This “Dear Abbie” category is an homage to a special online friend of mine, who inspired me to look at things through a new albeit much older lens. The focus here will be erotic, very much fetish-based. If you’re annoying and/or boring as fuck, then this is not the category for you.

Dear Abbie

The Facebook

I know, I tried it again, the vicious cycle continues. I’m like an alcoholic.

I think it’ll be different this time. Self knowledge and critical awareness will protect me, but it doesn’t – never does – but I falsely believe the lie.

Usually starts out the same way, with a band or event that uses Facebook for marketing instead of a proper website. Sucks me back in every time.

I sign up using different methods, such as switching the settings so only friends of friends can send me a friend request, then I try my best not to have friends. But it never works, inevitably, someone somewhere along the way, usually a relative, punctures my prophylactic seal of protection.

Then more, and more… and then strange things start to happen. Subjects of telephone calls and conversations start to become my advertisements.

The relentless friend suggestions of people, quite frankly, I’d prefer to leave in the past – and not look at their faces every fucking day of my life.

—ooOoo—

I have an idea! Let’s pause for a quick haiku about cunnilingus.

thirsty kitty waits

wet rainbow kisses on my lips

drip by drip, she’s pleased

The Rolling Stones; ‘She’s A Rainbow’

Don’t forget, boys, a regular and routine licking keeps it clean.

—ooOoo—

There’s usually a blowup. A final fuck all this shit on the way out the door.

I can’t help it. I have a wicked tongue, I enjoy inappropriate humor, I love scrappy dialogue, writing that evokes feeling, and I fucking love to curse.

I know, I should be better, not everyone thinks it’s funny – not everyone thinks I’m funny. But who cares? I ultimately don’t, so why would you?

Harvard did not directly conclude that people who curse are smarter, but the research demonstrated that those people with an ability to use curse words effectively possess a higher verbal intelligence. Accordingly, you gotta trust the science on this one – gotta find effective ways to say fuck.

Facebook feels too much like 13th Grade, like some bizarre extension of high school, coupled with relatives that may or may not remember me.

I’ve been digging Instagram. I know it’s spying on me too, but at least it doesn’t come with all of the other nonsense – the other unpleasantness.

I’ve made a decision. If it requires Facebook, I’m just not going. Fuck it.

—ooOoo—

I have an idea! Let’s pause for a quick haiku about her anal beads.

nervous wiggly tail

rhythm pulled, her breath held tight

beads like rosaries

Petey Pablo; ‘Freek-A-Leek’

Don’t forget, boys, a regular and routine licking keeps it clean.