Tonight was perfect. I needed it. The Spice Girls song made me laugh.

I also forgot how much I like to go alone. I should’ve figured. An Anti-Valentine’s Day Cabaret. Mostly women, a few couples, another guy, and me. I hadn’t felt like prey in a while. The mysterious quiet boy with nails.

I should wear a suit and tie again. Lawyer up. Nothing better than a beautiful woman taking off my tie. I like the way my cock shows when getting aroused in dress pants. I like it more when women notice.

“You always have a little something off,” she once told me. “A little disheveled,” she explained. That’s right. More often than not, it was my belt pulled too far to one side. It would help draw attention. To look.

“What do I miss,” he asked. “I miss the desks. I miss the conference rooms. I miss the hotels. I miss the HR lady. I miss fucking a friend in the contemplation room during breaks at deposition. What do you miss?”

I miss long walks in the rain, sunshine on my shoulders, and reasons to get up in the morning. I miss sanity. I miss je ne sais quoi. I miss saying je ne sais quoi. I miss people that made my life better. I miss a lot of things.

I had to leave early. I needed to get back. My ERP Session. The gold-standard treatment for OCD. Before departing though, I couldn’t help but think how wonderfully imperfect the world was today. Confident.

Didn’t last. Moment gone by the time I got to my car. I have mixed feelings about seeing my old office. I used to sleep on a couch in that office. So many fucking nights lost and heartbroken. Cold and alone.

ERP is going well. I struggled at the outset, but today was huge for me. I finally took the time to figure out the app and tools, and I created my hierarchy of: Obsessions, Triggers, Feared Outcomes, and Compulsions.

Don’t threaten me with a good time! I even conducted a practice session with my therapist. I like her. I must. I let myself be open and vulnerable with her this evening. What was the practice? Moving things on my desk.

Baby steps. We have a lot of work to do. Things like stop signs, an HVAC unit, politics, medical worries, house maintenance, locks, my calendar, doors, resetting electronic devices, driving in circles, and relationships.

I probably shouldn’t say tonight was perfect, but it was definitely a start.