Let’s start something new. Something different. Something unique. Lord, I really need a change. A change of scene. A change of mind. Something.

It is told in Corinthians that Paul said: “I die daily.” I get it. I understand. Sometimes, I feel like I die moment to moment. Nothing lasts forever.

Let’s start a conversation about Jake. Jake is strong for an American. Jake is tall. Jake is strapping. Jake is well educated with family.

Jake has an untamed mind. Jake has thoughts with ideas. Jake has a problem with no apparent solution. Jake has weakness with a gun.

Nothing lasts forever. Most surely there will be relief on the other side. The other side of what; from what; to what? Jake doesn’t know.

The gun was cold when Jake pulled it from the drawer, but it’s warm now. Cupped in Jake’s hands. Fingerprints on Jake’s nickel-plated gun.

Jake pushes the latch forward to release the cylinder with his thumb. Jake uses his fingers to pivot the cylinder out of the frame on its yoke.

Jake sees the cartridges. All six of them. The brass strikingly different from the nickel-plated cylinder. The contrast feels like a smile to Jake.

Pushing the cylinder back into the frame, Jake hears a deafening sound of finality. An impenetrable sound with an irreversible ending. I’m done.

Pushing the latch forward, this time Jake spins the cylinder inside the frame. The sound reminds him of a roulette wheel. Much better days.

Those jags in Vegas. Drinking all night. Sleeping on warm pancakes. Driving late to Reno. Penetrating Sunny Lane at the Bunny Ranch.

All parties must come to an end. All trains must come to a stop. All suffering must come to a conclusion. Better on Jake’s terms, he thinks.

How did this all start? When did it start? Jake doesn’t know. Jake doesn’t remember. It’s been there so long, it’s like it’s always been. Never born.

Jake strangely thinks about a scene from The Breakfast Club:

What do you care what I think, anyway? I don’t even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn’t make any difference… I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? And you… don’t like me anyway.

You know, I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them.

God, you’re so pathetic. Don’t you ever… ever compare yourself to me. Okay? You got everything, and I got shit. Fuckin’ Rapunzel, right? School would probably shut down if you didn’t show up. Queenie isn’t here. I like those earrings, Claire.

Shut up…

Are those real diamonds, Claire?

Shut up…

I bet they are… Did you work for the money for those earrings?

Shut your mouth…

Or did your daddy buy those?

Shut up…

Why did this all start? How did it happen? Where? With whom? To know, Jake has no choice but to go back. To think about and relive earlier days.