I feel fantastically weightless this morning. What a difference a day makes indeed. With the assistance of a friend, and a variety of recent experiences and so-called coincidences, I possess a sense of freedom unlike ever before. To wit, I need to merely be myself – to let it go.

“Come now, what’s this all about?” You may query, thinking your humble droog a crackpot. I know. I understand. I get it. The confusion, as well as the want for the same; for peace of mind and soul. It ultimately isn’t complicated. It’s simple actually. The key to success: Let that shit go.

No more being hung up on the past. No more trying to be a “normal” person. No more hiding my interests, kinks, and fetishes. No more trying to control fucktards at work – fuck ’em. No more talking about my prior relationships. No more trying to be my younger self. It is what it is.

It also ain’t what it ain’t. I’m not that guy anymore. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I don’t want those relationships anymore. I don’t want to be tethered to anything anymore. I don’t want to be tied to anyone anymore. We come into this world alone. We will leave this world alone.

At this point, one may be thinking: “Where’s this coming from? What the fuck is he doing now?” Well, to be honest, I effortlessly fell into a series of paradoxes. Without consciously trying, without taking any action, without any intention, four undeniable paradoxes were revealed to me.

One: We surrender to win. Relief found through acceptance, by putting down my weapon, sitting on my hands, and waiting for further instruction. I no longer have a dog in any fight. I no longer have any fucks left to give. I no longer care what anyone, anyone, thinks of or about me.

Two: We give away to keep. Selflessness. Said the Dalai Lama: “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” I’m done hurting people. Anger, resentment, rage, fear, frustration – these things only block me from true peace of mind.

Three: We suffer to get well. Actualization cannot be obtained without total destruction of the ego. There must inevitably be terrible suffering from things like loss, fear, remorse, regret, shame, and guilt to pierce that worldly need for attachments. Impermanence opens the door to peace.

Four: We die to live. Dying daily – a concept found in most religions – is a prerequisite to face unimaginable suffering. Serenity cannot be obtained without forgiveness. Forgiveness of oneself and of others. Redemption. Redemption through daily resurrection and perseverance. All is well.

What happened? What gave rise to putting this puzzle into place? The pieces fitting together? All of the above, plus a series of three events.

First: I opened every can of worms. I went back to the things that wrecked me. The things that broke me. I took an inventory of them. I analyzed them, I shared them, and through analysis and disclosure, I began to own them, and the energy that fueled them disappeared.

A friend asked me about my posts under Into Action. She questioned my doing so and suggested it might be better to simply get rid of everything.

My response: “I got rid of a lot, and I dumped the rest in boxes and old computer drives. All of these things were my life. All of these experiences are what make me who I am today – and they worked, were wonderful when they worked, and it all seemed right at the time. I’m happy for keeping/finding so much. It gives me an opportunity to write my story – to better understand what makes me tick (and what’s broken).”

Second: I met someone similarly situated, and her candor, kindness, and thoughtful intelligence penetrated whatever was blocking me from this awareness. Her counsel has been invaluable to me, and I will forever be grateful. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with an email address.

At one point, she said something in particular that struck me. She said: “You talk a lot about Dina.” This blew my mind. This made me think.

She was both right and wrong. Right in that I was talking a lot about Dina, but wrong in that it really wasn’t Dina that I was taking about. It was my behavior at that time. The guilt, shame, and remorse for my role in how that relationship ended. The inability to forgive myself, which in turn meant I was unable to forgive Dina. An emotional albatross around my neck, constantly weighing me down, drowning me under the water.

Third: My white nail polish. Nicole suggested white, but unbeknownst to us, white nail polish apparently has a unique meaning. My friend pointed this out to me, and Nicole looked it up on Urban Dictionary. We both laughed and agreed without hesitation that white is definitely my color!

This bit of good fortune – this serendipitous encounter – answered a couple of things that were bothering me, which makes me the luckiest.

Recently, I keep getting hit on by women, and I keep thinking: Why? Not only the flight attendants noted in a an earlier post, but also two other women at the airport in Las Vegas. I can’t help but think the white nails have something to do with it. Additionally, the conversation allowed for a discussion with Nicole about my kinks and fetishes; which, although not her thing, she understands and accepts me, saying: “You be you.” Wow.