I remember those daze. I wanted to be a partner at a large law firm, working big cases, going to court/arbitration, making a lot of money; and if only I could be with that one that got away, my world would simply be complete. I would arrive. I would be on top. I would win the game of life.

Hooray for me! I did it. With hard work, dedication, and things to calm me down, I obtained all of the above, and more. Simply put, I hit the apex of my crescendo, landed at the top of the heap, and quickly found myself painfully stuck in my own success. Careful whatcha wish for, as they say.

Driving to work in bumper-to-bumper traffic, grinding out a shitload of billable hours, thinking a mild heart attack might be the trick, a good enough excuse to take a day off from work. Nothing serious, mind you, just a mild heart attack, and a couple of days in the hospital for some rest.

Or better yet, just let go of the steering wheel, let my car gently drift into the lane next to me, under a big rig. Let the front end of my Charger get caught under a big rig, in between the wheels of the trailer, and crush my overworked ass to a screeching halt. Again, nothing serious, mind you.

Driving home wasn’t much better at times. Attempting to share my day, my struggles, with that one that got away, to only hear her rejection, her telling me she just doesn’t get what she needs from such conversations. She’s more interested in discussing her insecurities and control over me.

I remember those daze, I’m happy to have had those daze, and I’m even happier to know that those daze reside behind me in closed chapters. I don’t wanna be that guy anymore, and in spite of periodic bouts of letting my ego (or reminiscing) fuck with my head, I roll pretty well these daze.

My current dilemma is merely: What next? What to do now? Also, I’m plagued with a regular coincidence in this area. Each and every time my ego kicks in, when I’m thinking I want to be important again, I’m almost immediately shutdown by a counterweight showing me that’s not true.

I’m walking back from panel feeling like a legal has-been, thinking about private practice, when a homeless person on the ground looks directly at me. I’m getting coffee at the gas station, missing that feeling of being important, when a homeless guy walks by in the rain looking right at me.

Their eyes. Their eyes felt like they saw through me. I couldn’t hide. I couldn’t shield my eyes. I felt embarrassed, shameful, for them catching me in ego driven thoughts about myself. I’m struggling with wanting to feel important while they’re struggling to stay alive on the cold streets.

Fuck me. It’s all bullshit. I not only know what to do, but I’m doing it now. I’m actually for the first time in my life letting go – letting the universe sort it out for me. I’m tired. Tired of thinking I ever had control in the first place. Tired of holding any expectations or resentments toward anyone.

A friend pointed out something today. I’ve forgiven the unforgivable: Me.